Getting Around

Getting from A to B is simple. The questions asked on the way are not.

401. If I drive in reverse, does my odometer go backwards?

Not in a modern car. It counts every kilometre, forwards or backwards. You can't un-drive your commute. People have tried. A man in Moose Jaw once reversed 30 kilometres down a country road hoping to make his car younger before selling it. The odometer went up by 30, his neck got stuck facing backwards for a week, and a herd of cows watched the whole thing in silence. Odometers are like elephants: they never forget. If you want a car with fewer kilometres, the only proven method is to drive less and walk more, which is what odometers have wanted all along.

402. Is a roundabout a road or a carousel for cars?

A carousel for cars, minus the music and the joy. Most people go around twice just to be sure. Some go around five times, trapped in the inner lane, watching the exit they wanted pass by again and again like a sushi plate they can't reach. Roundabouts are actually safer than intersections, because everyone has to slow down and pay attention. But nobody believes this while they're in one. A proper car carousel would have painted horses on the hoods, an organ playing from the middle and a man selling cotton candy at the yield sign. Cities, please consider it.

403. Can I use my turn signal as a mood ring?

Left for adventurous, right for playing it safe, hazards for "it's been a week." A signal left on for eight kilometres means "I'm lost in thought and possibly in life." Not signalling at all means "I'm a mystery," and the other drivers will hate you for it. Windshield wipers on a sunny day mean "I bumped the wrong lever and now I'm committed." High beams flashing means "there's a moose ahead," or "your lights are off," or "I'm angry," depending on the province. Car moods are a whole language. Most drivers are fluent in at least three swear words of it.

404. Why does the bus come right after I give up and start

walking?

The bus watches. It waits until you're exactly halfway between stops, then zooms past. Bus drivers swear they don't do this on purpose, but the buses themselves have never been interviewed. Scientists believe buses have a sixth sense for hope: the moment you lose it, they appear. If you stand at the stop checking the app, the bus is "2 minutes away" for 25 minutes. The moment you start walking, it rounds the corner with the confidence of a parade float. The only way to beat it is to pretend to give up, walk three steps and then turn around. The bus will be confused. Sometimes it works.

405. Does honking make traffic move faster?

Only in your heart. The cars ahead don't speed up; they just get annoyed. Honking in a traffic jam is like yelling at the ocean to make smaller waves. Everyone hears it, nobody can do anything, and now the whole street feels worse. A study of rush-hour traffic once found that every honk in a jam caused two more honks, until the street sounded like a flock of angry geese. The geese were not amused; they consider honking their trademark. Brent has written a strongly worded letter to the Ministry of Transportation. It was mostly honks.

406. If a train is late, is it still a train?

It's still a train. It just has a fashionable sense of timing. A late train is like a guest who shows up to dinner an hour late with a fancy dessert: annoying, but you're still glad it came. Some trains are famous for punctuality. In Japan, a train once left 20 seconds early, and the company issued a formal apology to the nation. In Canada, a train can be delayed for hours because it had to stop for a freight train carrying 150 cars of wheat, which is also a train, and also late. Bring a book. Bring two books.

407. Can I take a nap in the drive-thru lane?

Not in the lane. The people behind you want fries, not a nature documentary. If you're drowsy, pull into a parking spot. A drive-thru line is a delicate ecosystem. Each car moves forward a few metres at a time, like a slow, hungry caterpillar. One sleeping driver stops the whole caterpillar, and soon twelve cars are honking (see question 405) and a teenager in a headset is knocking on your window holding a bag of nuggets. You'll wake up to a crowd, a manager and possibly the local news. Then you'll still have to eat your nuggets in front of everyone.

408. Why does the GPS voice sound so calm when I'm lost?

It was built never to panic. You've made 14 wrong turns and it's still saying "recalculating" like a yoga teacher. Inside, it's screaming. The GPS voice is the most patient being in the world. It has guided people into lakes, through cornfields and onto ferry ramps without ever raising its voice. Some GPS systems let you change the voice to a celebrity or a cartoon character, which makes getting lost more fun but no less lost. If the GPS ever sighs, pull over immediately. You've broken it emotionally, and it may take you to a hardware store out of revenge (see question 445).

409. If I'm on a plane, am I technically flying?

You're flying. The plane is doing all the work. You're cargo with snacks. Birds look at planes the way we look at people on moving walkways: "lazy, but impressive." On a plane, you're travelling at about 900 kilometres an hour, 11 kilometres above the ground, while eating tiny pretzels and watching a movie on a screen the size of a sandwich. That's technically the most advanced thing humans have ever done, and most passengers spend it complaining about the armrest. If you flap your arms during takeoff, you'll get strange looks. You won't help, but you'll feel involved.

410. Why are airport snacks so expensive?

Because you're trapped, and the airport knows you can't pop out for a cheaper granola bar. Past security, the laws of economics change. A bottle of water costs $6, a sandwich costs $17 and a small bag of almonds costs about as much as a used bicycle. Airports are like islands with no boats, and the only shops are owned by the same three companies. Experienced travellers pack their own snacks and look smug. Everyone else stands in front of the fridge doing math. The almonds aren't even good. They're just there, and so are you.

411. Can a car be allergic to potholes?

Every car is allergic to potholes. Symptoms include rattling, bouncing and a bill. Severe cases include a flat tire, a bent rim and a mysterious new squeak that never goes away (see question 433). Canada has some of the world's most impressive potholes, especially in spring, when frozen roads thaw and crack. Some are so deep that people have planted flowers in them, put rubber ducks in them or held tiny birthday parties for them. One pothole in Montreal was so famous it got its own social media account. Cars hate that pothole. Cars hate all potholes.

412. Is cruise control a vacation for my foot?

Yes. Your foot relaxes while your hands keep working, which is very unfair to the hands. On a long highway drive, your right foot gets to stretch, wiggle and think about its life choices. Meanwhile, your hands are gripping the wheel, adjusting the radio and passing snacks to the back seat. The hands have filed a complaint, but the foot doesn't care. It's on vacation. Your left foot, which does nothing in an automatic car, is the laziest body part of all. It just sits there like a passenger. It doesn't even need cruise control.

413. Why does the car in front always slow down when I'm in

a hurry?

It's a law of traffic physics: urgency causes slowness. That car can sense your hurry. When you have all day, the road is empty and every light is green. When you're late for a job interview, you'll end up behind a tractor, a student driver, a man reading a map and a parade float, in that order. Scientists call this "the Rush Effect." Nobody has been able to measure it, because every time they try, they're late for the experiment. The only cure is to leave early. Nobody leaves early.

414. Can I take a horse through a drive-thru?

Rules vary, but the horse should never order. Horses always ask for extra apples. And they don't fit under the menu board, so they lean in close and breathe heavily into the speaker, which frightens the teenager working the headset. Some small towns allow horses in drive-thrus, and there are photos online of cowboys picking up burgers on horseback. The horse will also leave a gift in the lane, which is not appreciated by the cars behind you. Tip well. Tip very well. Somebody has to clean that up.

415. Why do bicycles fall over when nobody's riding them?

Bikes stay up by moving. Standing still is the hardest thing a bike can do. When a bike is rolling, the spinning wheels and the way the front fork is angled help it steer itself upright. Scientists still argue about the exact details, which is surprising for something invented in the 1800s. When nobody's riding, the bike has no balance, no motivation and no reason to live, so it just flops over like a teenager on a couch. That's why bikes have kickstands: tiny legs to help them rest. Some bikes refuse even those and lean against fences, looking cool.

416. Does the elevator's "close door" button actually do

anything?

In many elevators, not during normal use. It's there to make you feel in control. Press it anyway; it helps. In some buildings, the button only works for firefighters with a special key. In others, it works but takes a few seconds, so you press it six times and think you made it happen. These buttons are called "placebo buttons," and they're everywhere: some crosswalk buttons and office thermostats work the same way. It's a comforting lie. The elevator knows. The elevator is gently humouring you, like a grandparent pretending you won at checkers.

417. If I walk on a moving walkway, am I time travelling?

You're arriving early, which is the beginner level of time travel. Walking on a moving walkway makes you move very fast, like a superhero on an airport budget. When you step off, your legs keep expecting speed, and you stumble like you've just left a boat. That's the time-travel side effect. Some people stand still on the walkway, blocking everyone behind them, which is the opposite of time travel: it's time theft. If you're going to stand, stand right. If you're going to walk, walk left. If you're going to dance, wait until it's empty.

418. Why does the luggage carousel keep going but my bag

never shows?

Your bag took a different flight. It's on a vacation of its own. Lost luggage sometimes visits three countries before returning to its owner, and comes back covered in stickers like a well-travelled guitar case. Meanwhile, you stand at the carousel watching the same unclaimed bag go by 30 times: a purple suitcase with a ribbon on it, belonging to someone who left an hour ago. Then the carousel stops, a loud buzzer sounds and you're left alone with the purple suitcase. You've bonded now. It's like a pet.

419. Can I bring my bed as a carry-on?

Only if it fits in the overhead bin. Bring a neck pillow instead: a tiny bed for your neck. A full-sized bed would require a ticket for the bed, a ticket for its headboard and a gate agent with a very open mind. The flight attendant would ask you to put the bed in the upright position for landing. Neck pillows are the compromise: comfortable, portable and slightly ridiculous. You'll wear one through the airport like a horseshoe collar, and nobody will judge you, because everyone else is wearing one too. It's a fashion that only exists between gates.

420. If I get a speeding ticket on a bike, should I be proud?

A little. Frame it. It's the only time a bike will ever be officially praised for speed. Bike speeding tickets do happen, usually in parks or on paths with low limits, and they're mostly given to cyclists racing downhill shouting "woohoo." Your friends with cars will be impressed and confused. Your bike will be proud. You may be tempted to start riding a motorcycle next, but don't. A speeding ticket on a bike is a funny story. A speeding ticket on a motorcycle is just a speeding ticket. Hang the bike one on the wall next to your swimming badges.

421. Why do people clap when a plane lands?

It's applause for gravity doing its job gently. Also for the pilot, who is behind a locked door and can't hear it. Some people clap because they were nervous. Some clap because they're on vacation and full of joy. Some clap because everyone else is clapping, and they don't want to be the only person sitting there with quiet hands. It's mostly done on flights to sunny places. Nobody claps on a Tuesday morning flight from Winnipeg to Calgary for a sales conference. Those people just stand up immediately and wait in the aisle for 10 minutes.

422. Do traffic lights get bored?

Very. Three colours all day long. Yellow is the most interesting one, and nobody takes it seriously. Red is the boss. Green is the cheerful one everyone likes. Yellow is the middle child, always saying "slow down" while drivers speed up. At 3 a.m., with no cars around, traffic lights keep cycling through their colours for nobody, like a lonely DJ playing to an empty dance floor. Some cities have experimented with traffic lights that go to sleep at night, flashing yellow instead. Yellow finally gets the spotlight. It's its favourite time.

423. Is a canoe just a floating hallway?

It's a hallway that tips over when you sneeze. Very narrow, very wet. Canoes are a Canadian icon, used for thousands of years by Indigenous peoples to travel across lakes and rivers, and now used by summer campers to fall into lakes and rivers. The secret of canoeing is to keep your weight low and centred and never stand up to take a photo. The person in the back steers, the person in the front does all the paddling and gets blamed, and the dog sits in the middle, rocking the whole thing every time it sees a duck.

424. Can I pay for a taxi with directions?

Only if you're driving. Otherwise, the meter is not interested in your shortcuts. Taxi drivers have heard it all. "Take a left here, it's faster." "No, go through the alley." "My uncle says there's a back road." They'll smile, nod and keep driving the route they've used 4,000 times. In London, taxi drivers must pass a test called "The Knowledge," in which they memorize 25,000 streets. It takes years, and their brains literally grow bigger. You cannot outsmart those people with a shortcut your uncle told you about. Pay with money and say thank you.

425. Why is the window seat always taken?

Everyone wants to look at clouds. The middle seat is for people who've given up. The window seat is where you lean your head against the wall, look at clouds shaped like dogs, and close the shade the moment the sun hits your face. The aisle seat is where you can get up whenever you want and get bumped by the snack cart. The middle seat has no armrest, no view and no control. It does have one benefit: both neighbours will feel sorry for you. Use that. Ask for their pretzels.

426. If I drive to the end of the rainbow, will my GPS find it?

It'll say "You have arrived" and you'll be in a parking lot. Rainbows don't have addresses. A rainbow isn't a place; it's sunlight bending through raindrops, and it moves as you move, always staying the same distance away, like a cat that doesn't want to be picked up. You could chase one all afternoon and only end up three towns over, out of gas, with a leprechaun laughing at you from a fence post. The pot of gold, if it exists, is protected by physics. Your GPS will gently suggest a nearby Tim Hortons instead. Take it. That's the real pot of gold.

427. Do trains get lonely on long trips?

They're full of passengers, so never alone. They just wish someone would chat with the engine. The engine is at the very front, pulling everyone, hearing nothing but the wind and the rails. Meanwhile, back in the dining car, people are laughing, eating soup and playing cards. The engine can hear the laughter faintly and wonders what's so funny. Freight trains have it even worse: kilometres of boxcars full of wheat, lumber and cars, none of which say anything. That's why trains honk so often (see question 437). They're saying hello to anyone listening.

428. Can I rent a car for one minute?

You could, but the paperwork takes 45 minutes. Not efficient. First you'd show your licence, sign seven forms and decline insurance four times. Then an employee would walk around the car with you, marking every scratch on a little diagram. Then you'd get in, drive once around the parking lot and come back. The employee would walk around the car again. They'd find a new scratch that was already there. You'd argue. You'd lose. Your one-minute rental would cost $89 plus tax and take most of your afternoon. Walk instead. Walking has no forms.

429. Why do backseat drivers know everything?

The back seat has a perfect view of every mistake the driver makes. It's a gift and a curse. From the back seat, everything is obvious: the light is about to change, the lane is ending, there's a squirrel. The backseat driver has no wheel, no pedals and no responsibility, which makes them very confident. They gasp at every brake, point at every sign and say "you missed it" in a tone that could peel paint. Put them in the driver's seat and they instantly become a nervous wreck. That's the law of backseat driving: expertise disappears when the wheel appears.

430. Is a sled a car without wheels?

It's a toboggan with ambition. Some sleds dream of being cars; most just want to go downhill fast. A sled has no engine, no brakes and no steering, except for your feet, which are useless. That's why every sledding hill ends in a pile of kids, a snowbank or a tree with a very worried look on its face. The word "toboggan" comes from Indigenous languages in what is now eastern Canada, and the toboggan was originally a useful tool for hauling things across snow. Today it's used for hauling screaming children toward a fence. Both are valid.

431. If I'm stuck in traffic long enough, do I become a local?

After 45 minutes you're a resident. After an hour you can vote in the neighbourhood elections. After two hours, you know the names of the people in the cars around you, the songs on their radios and what they had for breakfast. A community forms. Someone shares granola bars. Someone starts a group singalong. By the third hour, there's a small mayor elected by honks, a newsletter and a bake sale on the shoulder. Then traffic suddenly moves and everyone drives away without saying goodbye. Traffic jams are the shortest-lived towns in the world.

432. Can I skateboard to work in a suit?

Absolutely. It's a power move. Bring a backup shirt for the ending. Skateboarding in a suit makes you look like a secret agent late for a mission. People will stare, kids will cheer and one older man will shake his head and say "in my day." The risk is the arrival: you'll try to stop smoothly, the board will shoot out from under you and roll into the lobby, and you'll walk in sweaty with one shoe untied. Practise kickflips on weekends. Never attempt one in a suit. The suit will rip, and so will your dignity.

433. Why does my car only make the weird noise when I'm

alone?

It's shy. The moment a mechanic listens, it goes silent. Cars have stage fright. You'll hear the noise every day for three weeks: a clunk, a whine, a sound like a goose in a tin can. You'll bring it to the shop. The mechanic will drive it around the block, listening carefully. Nothing. You'll have to describe the noise by making it with your own mouth, while the mechanic writes "customer goes 'ka-thunk-wheee'" on the work order. The moment you leave the parking lot, the noise returns. It's laughing at you.

434. Is there a speed limit for ducks crossing the road?

Ducks set their own speed, which is "slow and proud." Traffic waits. Those are the rules. A mother duck leading her ducklings across a road is the most powerful force in transportation. She can stop buses, trucks, taxis and an entire motorcade without even looking at them. Police officers have personally escorted duck families across busy highways. Cars line up, people take photos and someone always posts it online with the caption "best traffic jam ever." Geese do the same thing but with attitude. Brent has crossed six-lane roads at a deliberate stroll.

435. Can a ship get seasick?

Ships rock all day and never complain. They have the toughest stomachs at sea. Their passengers, on the other hand, do not. On a rough day, a cruise ship's buffet becomes very quiet, and the deck becomes very crowded with people staring at the horizon, which is the official cure for seasickness. Sailors swear by ginger, crackers and fresh air. Ships swear by nothing; they just keep going. If a ship ever did get seasick, it would have nowhere to go, because it's already at sea. It would just have to sit with that.

436. Is it rude to wave at people in other cars?

Not rude, just confusing. They'll spend 10 minutes wondering if they know you. Then they'll wave back to be polite, and now you're both waving, and neither of you knows why. In rural areas, people wave at every passing car with one finger lifted off the steering wheel. This is called "the farmer wave," and it means "hello, neighbour, nice weather, watch for deer." In cities, waving at strangers in traffic means you either know them, want something or are lost. Kids in the back seat waving at truckers to honk are the exception. Truckers love that.

437. Why do trains honk at night when nobody's around?

To remind you the train is working hard while you sleep. Also, trains must honk at crossings by law, even at 3 a.m. when the only witnesses are a raccoon and a confused moose. The pattern is usually long, long, short, long, which is Morse code for nothing in particular but sounds very dramatic. People who live near train tracks stop hearing it after a while. People visiting for the weekend lie awake all night thinking the train is coming through the bedroom wall. It isn't. It's just saying hello (see question 427).

438. If I take the scenic route, do I have to look at the

scenery?

You should. Otherwise it's just the long route. The scenic route is a promise: mountains, lakes, red barns, cows standing dramatically in fields. If you spend the whole time looking at your phone, the cows will be offended. The scenic route takes an extra hour, adds 60 kilometres and always includes a lookout point where you'll take the same photo as every other tourist. Your passengers will complain that they're hungry. Your kids will ask "are we there yet" (see question 450). And then you'll round a corner, see a moose in a lake at sunset, and everyone will go quiet. That's why.

439. Can I park in the employee-of-the-month spot if I'm

employee of the month at home?

Only if your cat signs off on it. See question 300 for who's really in charge. Your cat will review your performance: the timeliness of your breakfast service, the warmth of your lap and how quickly you respond to 4 a.m. meowing. Most humans fail this review. If you win, your cat will reward you with a single dead moth on your pillow, which is its version of a plaque. Even so, the employee-of-the-month spot at work belongs to Linda. Linda is a goose. Linda does not work there. Linda has stood in that spot every day since 2014, and nobody has had the courage to ask her to move.

440. Why are parking lots so confusing?

They were designed by people who think arrows are suggestions. Half the arrows point one way, half point the other, and some point at a wall. One-way lanes become two-way lanes as soon as a pickup truck decides they should. Someone is always reversing out of a spot without looking, while someone else waits with their blinker on for a spot that's about to open, which turns out to be a person sitting in their car eating a sandwich for 20 minutes. Parking lots are lawless. They're the Wild West, but with shopping carts (see question 444).

441. Is an escalator a lazy staircase?

It's a hard-working staircase that does the climbing for you. Show some respect. Escalators were invented more than a century ago and were once considered so thrilling that some department stores reportedly offered brandy to shaken customers at the top. Now we ride them while scrolling our phones, barely noticing. An escalator works all day, carrying thousands of people up and down without complaint. When one breaks down, it becomes "stairs," and people stare at it in disbelief, as if they've been betrayed. They've just been asked to do their own climbing. The escalator needs a day off.

442. Can I fly a kite to work?

Only if work is downwind. Kites have no sense of direction but plenty of ambition. You'd stand in a field holding the string, waiting for the perfect gust, and then you'd be carried gently to your office, landing in the parking lot just in time for the 9 a.m. meeting. That's the dream. In reality, the kite gets stuck in a tree, you get tangled in the string and a group of children laughs at you. Some people do use kites to pull themselves on skis, surfboards and buggies. It's called kiting, and it's real, fast and slightly terrifying. Your boss might be impressed.

443. Do submarines get claustrophobic?

Submarines love tight spaces and dark places. They're the cats of the sea. They sneak around quietly, hide in deep water and pop up when you least expect it, just like a cat appearing on your keyboard. Submarine crews, on the other hand, live in very close quarters for months, sharing bunks, eating in tiny galleys and learning more about each other's snoring than anyone should. Submarine cooks are among the most respected people on board, because good food is the only thing that makes 90 days underwater bearable. If submarines did purr, it would sound like sonar.

444. Why is there always one shopping cart with a wobbly

wheel?

There's only one such cart in the world, and it teleports to every store. It always finds you. You'll pull a cart from the line, and the front wheel will immediately start shaking like it's had six coffees. You'll push it through the produce aisle, fighting it the whole time as it veers toward the apples. Return it and take another, and the wobble will somehow move to the new cart. That's how you know it's the same cart. It follows its chosen one. Scientists have named it "Wobbles." Wobbles has been spotted on four continents. Wobbles is patient.

445. Can I tell my GPS to take me somewhere fun?

Try typing "fun." You'll end up at an amusement park, a bakery or, if it's really lost, a hardware store. The GPS has a very literal idea of fun. It might take you to a place called "Fun Bowl," which closed in 1997. It might take you to "Fun Street" in a quiet suburb, where a confused man is mowing his lawn. Once, a GPS sent a family looking for "fun" to a funeral home, which was a tragic misunderstanding involving a missing letter. If you want real fun, turn off the GPS and drive somewhere new. Just make sure you can find your way back.

446. If I ride a camel, do I need to bring water?

The camel will be fine for days. You won't. Bring water. Contrary to popular belief, camels don't store water in their humps. The humps are fat, which the camel uses for energy, like a built-in lunchbox. Camels can drink about 100 litres of water in 10 minutes, which is the equivalent of a human drinking an entire bathtub. They also spit, grumble and have very long eyelashes, so they're basically divas with endurance. Riding one is bumpy. You'll sway back and forth like a ship (see question 435), and the camel will look at you with mild contempt the whole time.

447. Is the subway just a shy train?

It's a train that prefers to stay underground, away from the paparazzi. Subways are introverts. They spend their days in dark tunnels, coming up only at the end of the line to get a little sunlight before ducking back down. London's Underground, the world's oldest, opened in 1863, and its first trains were pulled by steam engines, which made the tunnels so smoky that passengers came out looking like chimney sweeps. Today, subways carry millions of people a day, and they're still shy. That's why everyone on a subway avoids eye contact. They're respecting the subway's personality.

448. Why does my seatbelt lock when I lean forward too

fast?

It's very protective and a little dramatic. Lean slowly and it'll let you go. Inside the seatbelt is a small weight that swings forward when you move too fast or the car stops suddenly, locking the belt like a nervous parent grabbing your arm at a crosswalk. It's trying to keep you safe, but it also makes reaching for a dropped french fry nearly impossible. You'll lunge, it'll lock, and you'll be pinned against the seat while the fry rolls further under it. Seatbelts save lives. They do not save fries. Those are lost forever.

449. Can I hitchhike on a hot air balloon?

Balloons don't do pickups. They float wherever the wind feels like going, and the wind doesn't take requests. Hot air balloon pilots can only control going up and down; they steer by finding winds blowing in different directions at different heights. That means you could stick your thumb out in a field, and a balloon could drift right over you, the pilot waving cheerfully, unable to stop. Balloons land in farmers' fields, backyards and once, famously, in a family's swimming pool. Traditionally, balloonists bring a bottle of champagne to apologize to whoever owns the field. Pools need two bottles.

450. Are we there yet?

No. We're not even halfway. There are 550 questions to go. Buckle up. Please stop kicking the back of the book's seat. We've packed snacks: a chapter about your home, a chapter about space and a chapter about history. Somewhere in there is a goose, a crab and a librarian who's been waiting since chapter one. If you need the washroom, there are no stops until question 600. If you ask again, we'll turn this book around. We won't, actually. We can't. Books only go one way. But we'll threaten it, and you'll believe us, and that's what matters.