Showbiz

Lights, camera, confusion. Asked by people who think every movie is a documentary.

601. Do actors know how the movie ends?

Usually, yes. They read the script. The ones who don't are just very good at looking surprised. Some secretive productions give actors fake scripts or only the pages for their own scenes, so nobody can leak the twist. Some actors have filmed entire movies without knowing whether their character lives or dies, and found out at the premiere along with everyone else. That's the most honest gasp in cinema. Other actors know the ending and have to keep it secret for years, which is the hardest acting job of all: pretending not to know things at family dinners while Uncle Ray asks "so, does he die?"

602. If an actor plays a doctor, can they write me a

prescription?

No. They can, however, say "stat" with incredible conviction. TV doctors also run down hallways, shout "we're losing him!" and solve mysteries in 42 minutes, which real doctors find very funny. Some actors who've played doctors for years say people still stop them on the street to show them rashes. Please don't do this. They will say "hmm" and "interesting," because that's what the script told them to say, and then recommend you see a real doctor. Actors who play lawyers get the same thing with parking tickets. Actors who play pilots are never, ever asked to fly the plane. Thank goodness.

603. Where do the extras go after the scene?

To the craft services table. Extras are a migratory species that follows free muffins. They arrive at dawn, spend most of the day waiting in a holding area, walk across a street 37 times pretending to talk to each other and leave at dusk, full of bagels. Extras are told to mime conversation without making sound, so they mouth words like "peas and carrots" or "watermelon, rhubarb" over and over. Next time you watch a restaurant scene, look at the background. Everyone is saying "rhubarb" to each other with great emotion. It's the most-said word in movie history and nobody hears it.

604. Is a sequel just the movie trying again?

Yes. A trilogy is the movie refusing to take a hint. A fourth movie is called a franchise, and a fifth is a lifestyle. By the ninth sequel, the original hero is a grandparent, the villain is a robot version of the first villain, and there's a cameo from a dog who appeared in the second film. Some sequels are better than the original, which annoys everyone who liked the original. Some sequels go to space, because when you run out of ideas, space is always available. If there's ever a sequel to this book, it'll be called "The Thousand Dumbest Questions Ever Asked 2: The Geese Return."

605. Do cartoon characters get paid?

The voice actors do. The characters work for exposure, which is why they're so flat. Animated characters also never age, never get sick and never ask for a trailer, which is why studios love them. Some cartoon characters have been working for nearly 100 years without a single vacation. Their union is very weak. Some voice actors have played the same character for decades, and when they retire, someone else has to learn to sound exactly like them, which is the strangest job interview in the world: "Okay, now do the duck voice, but angrier." A few characters are worth billions. They still get paid nothing. Very flat.

606. Why does the hero never need to use the bathroom?

It happens off camera, between scenes, along with laundry and taxes. Movie heroes go days without eating, sleeping or visiting a washroom, and somehow their hair stays perfect. They survive explosions, car chases and falls from buildings, but nobody ever mentions the bathroom breaks. Some fans have pointed out that certain movies span 48 straight hours with no breaks at all, which is the most unrealistic thing in an action film featuring a man jumping onto a helicopter. If a movie ever showed the hero searching for a restroom in a mall, it would be the most relatable action film of all time.

607. Can I sue a horror movie for scaring me?

You paid to be scared. That's not a lawsuit, that's a receipt. Horror movies do exactly what they promise: you'll scream, spill popcorn and refuse to look at the closet for a week. A judge would ask, "Did the movie say it was a horror movie?" You'd say "yes," and the judge would bang the gavel and say "case dismissed." Then the lights would flicker, and the judge would jump. Some people have tried suing over too-scary trailers and haunted houses, and almost all of them lost. Horror is the only product that's legally allowed to ruin your sleep. That, and coffee.

608. If I clap at the end of a movie, does the cast hear it?

No, but the guy in row F does, and he's judging you. The actors are busy, possibly on a yacht, possibly asleep, possibly at another movie clapping for themselves. Clapping at a movie is a strange, wonderful human habit: you're applauding a screen showing images recorded months ago. It's like cheering for a postcard. It happens most often at premieres, film festivals and superhero movies, when a big hero appears. If you're the only one clapping, clap three more times with confidence and then stop. You'll look bold. If you stop after one clap, you'll look lost. Commit.

609. Who tells the laugh track when to laugh?

A sound engineer with a button and enormous power. Linda once auditioned. Her honk was deemed "too sincere." Laugh tracks were made famous by an engineer named Charley Douglass, who built a secret machine called the "laff box," filled with recorded laughs, chuckles, giggles and guffaws. He kept it locked and refused to let anyone see inside. Some of the laughs he used were recorded decades earlier, which means many of the people laughing at your favourite sitcom have long since passed away. You're watching TV with ghosts (see question 596). They think everything is hilarious.

610. Are reality shows real?

They're as real as a lawn flamingo. Something is technically there. Reality shows are filmed in real places with real people, but those people are often given suggestions, filmed doing things twice, and edited so that a simple "no thanks" sounds like a declaration of war. Producers have a technique called "frankenbiting," which stitches together different sentences to create new ones. A contestant might say "I love" on Monday and "stealing" on Friday, and suddenly they "love stealing." The dramatic music does the rest (see question 633). Reality TV is reality, the way a hot dog is a meal.

611. Do stunt doubles have stunt doubles?

For the really dangerous parts, they use a crash dummy. Nobody asks how the dummy feels. The dummy has been thrown off cliffs, blown out of windows and run over by trucks, all for a three-second shot. It doesn't get a trailer, a name in the credits or a single muffin from craft services (see question 603). Stunt doubles themselves are some of the bravest, most skilled people in movies, and there's still no Oscar category for stunts, which stunt people have been complaining about for decades. Meanwhile, the actor stands in front of a fan, looking windswept, and gets all the credit. The dummy knows.

612. Why do movie characters never say goodbye on the

phone?

Phone calls in movies cost money per second. Goodbyes are cut to stay on budget. Movie characters hang up mid-sentence, without warning, and the other person never calls back to ask "hey, did we get cut off?" In real life, saying goodbye on the phone takes forever: "okay, bye," "bye," "talk soon," "okay, love you," "bye-bye," "okay," "bye." A real phone goodbye could fill a whole scene. Canadian goodbyes are the longest of all (see question 475), sometimes lasting until one phone runs out of battery. Movies can't afford that. They have explosions to pay for.

613. If I watch a movie backwards, does it have a happy

beginning?

Yes, and every sad movie becomes a story about tears returning home. Watched backwards, a disaster movie is about buildings bravely reassembling themselves. A cooking show is about someone carefully un-making a cake until it's eggs and flour again. A romantic movie starts with a wedding and ends with two strangers walking away from each other in a coffee shop, finally free. Car chases become very polite reverse parades. Explosions become fire being gently gathered back into a box. Every sneeze is reabsorbed. Every sandwich is uneaten. It's the most wholesome viewing experience available.

614. Do musicians get tired of their one famous song?

Deeply. But it paid for the boat, so they sing it. Some musicians have performed the same hit song thousands of times over decades, and fans would riot if they skipped it. Some bands save their most famous song for the very end of the concert, so everyone stays for the whole show. A few artists have refused to play their biggest hit for years out of boredom, then given in when they realized the crowd would never leave. Imagine being asked to say the same sentence 4,000 times in a row, and each time a stadium screams. That's being a one-hit wonder. It's exhausting and lucrative.

615. Is lip syncing just singing with the volume off?

It's singing's stunt double. Great on camera, unavailable for interviews. Lip syncing is used in music videos, at some big outdoor events where live sound is risky and in nearly every bathroom mirror performance in history. The danger is when the recording skips or stops, and the singer keeps moving their mouth to silence. It has happened on live television to famous performers, and it's always awkward. Lip syncing at home with a hairbrush microphone is a classic hobby. Some people are excellent at it. Some people are so dramatic that their pets leave the room (see question 627).

616. Can I be an extra in my own life?

Most of us already are. The main character is our cat. The cat gets the best lighting (the sunny windowsill), the dramatic entrances (bursting in at 3 a.m.) and the most screen time on your phone. You're the extra who brings food, opens doors and walks across the background holding laundry. In the cat's movie, you're credited as "Food Person #1." You don't even get any lines; the cat ignores everything you say. Dog owners are better off. In the dog's movie, you're the hero, the best friend and the love interest all at once. Get a dog. Or accept your extra status with grace.

617. Why do villains explain their entire plan?

Nobody else in their life listens. Monologuing is a cry for help. Think about it: villains spend years building secret lairs, assembling henchmen and designing laser traps, and not one person ever asks "how was your day?" So when they finally catch the hero, they can't help themselves. They explain the whole plan, the backstory, their childhood and the meaning of the lair's colour scheme. Meanwhile, the hero is quietly untying the rope. If villains had a single friend, a podcast or a supportive therapist (see question 648), they'd have conquered the world decades ago.

618. How do they get the dog to act sad?

They tell him the walk is cancelled. Award-winning performance every time. Animal trainers actually use treats, toys and trained cues to get dogs to tilt their heads, lie down with their chin on their paws or look up with big eyes. A sad dog look is often just a dog waiting for a treat that hasn't arrived yet, which, to a dog, is the saddest situation imaginable. Some animal actors are so famous they have their own agents and trailers. A few have even received special awards. The dogs don't care about the trophies. They care about the treat that comes after the trophy.

619. Is the popcorn expensive because it's famous?

It's been in more movie theatres than most actors. It knows its worth. A big bucket of movie popcorn can cost more than the movie ticket, even though the corn inside costs only pennies. Theatres make much of their money from snacks, not tickets, because studios take a large share of ticket sales. So popcorn is basically keeping cinema alive, one butter-soaked kernel at a time. It's the true star of the show. It doesn't get its name in the credits. It doesn't walk the red carpet. It just sits in your lap, getting crushed, and asks for nothing but salt. A hero.

620. If a song gets stuck in my head, who do I call?

Nobody. Wait it out, or replace it with a worse song. That's the only known cure. Scientists call these stuck songs "earworms," and most people get them regularly. Some studies suggest chewing gum can help, because it keeps your mouth busy and confuses the part of your brain rehearsing the song. Others suggest listening to the whole song all the way through, so your brain feels it's finished. The worst earworms are usually catchy children's songs, jingles from commercials and the one song your coworker hums. If you hum it out loud, you'll give it to someone else. That's how earworms reproduce.

621. Do mimes ever accidentally talk?

Once. They don't talk about it, obviously. It happened in 1987, on a street corner in Montreal, when a mime stepped on a Lego brick (see question 498) and said a word that cannot be printed in a family book. The crowd gasped. The mime pretended to put the word back in an invisible box and lock it. The crowd applauded. Mimes are trained never to speak while performing, and many stay in character even when asked for directions, which leads to a lot of confused tourists being pointed toward invisible walls. Mimes can talk off-duty. They just choose not to. It's very powerful.

622. Why does the movie trailer show the whole movie?

To save you $18. Trailers are secretly a public service. Modern trailers often show the first scene, the big twist, the funniest joke and the final explosion, all in two and a half minutes. Then you watch the whole movie and recognize every scene, like a mystery novel where someone wrote the ending on the cover. Some studios do this on purpose, because research shows people actually like knowing what they're getting. Other directors cut their own trailers to avoid spoilers, and fans thank them. Some trailers are better than the actual movie. Those trailers should get their own Oscars.

623. Can I return a movie ticket if the movie was bad?

You can try. Bring the time you lost as proof of purchase. The teenager at the counter will listen to your review, nod politely and say "I just work here." Theatres almost never refund a movie that simply wasn't good, because "bad" is a matter of opinion and "I saw the whole thing" is a matter of fact. You could argue that you walked out halfway, but then they'll say you only watched half a bad movie, which is a bargain. If the projector broke or the sound failed, you'll usually get a pass. If the plot broke, you're on your own.

624. Do the actors in commercials actually love the yogurt?

They love the cheque. The yogurt is a colleague. In a commercial, an actor might take the same spoonful of yogurt 40 times while saying "mmm!" with fresh delight each time. Some commercial actors have spit-buckets just off camera so they don't have to swallow 40 spoonfuls. Food in ads is often fake, too: mashed potatoes are used as ice cream because they don't melt under hot lights, glue is sometimes used as milk in cereal shots and burgers are assembled with tweezers and pins. So the actor may not love the yogurt. The yogurt may not even be yogurt. Nothing is real in commercials except the price.

625. Is a concert just a really loud podcast?

With lighters and expensive T-shirts, yes. Also with sweaty strangers, $14 water and a tall person who always stands directly in front of you. A concert is a podcast you can feel in your chest. You'll scream along to every song, lose your voice by the third encore and spend the whole next day saying "WHAT?" to everyone. Many people now hold up phones instead of lighters, so the crowd glows blue instead of orange, and everyone watches the concert through a tiny screen while standing right in front of the real thing. Then they never watch the video. It joins the 4,000 other blurry concert videos on their phone.

626. Why do people in movies never finish their coffee?

The cups are empty. Hollywood's biggest secret, now revealed. You're welcome. Actors swing empty paper cups around like they weigh nothing, because they do. Real coffee would spill everywhere, burn someone and need refilling between every take. Sharp-eyed viewers have caught famous actors waving obviously empty cups in serious dramatic scenes. Movie characters also order coffee, take one sip and leave it on the table forever. Nobody in a movie finishes a meal, either. They take one bite of a sandwich and storm out. Somewhere in Hollywood is a huge warehouse full of abandoned movie lunches.

627. If I sing in the shower, is that a live performance?

Yes. Your shampoo is a captive audience. Bathrooms have excellent acoustics: hard walls, tiles and a small space make your voice bounce around and sound richer, which is why everyone sounds like a star in the shower. Then you sing the same song in the living room and sound like a goose with a cold. Your shower concert includes dramatic hand gestures, a shampoo-bottle microphone and an encore that keeps going until the hot water runs out (see question 488). The neighbours have heard every show. They have opinions. They've never applauded. Not once.

628. Do directors yell "cut" at home?

Only during family arguments. It works about as well as you'd think. "CUT! Let's take that again from 'you never load the dishwasher.'" The family stares at them in silence. Directors are famous for being picky: they may ask for the potatoes to be passed with more emotion, or request that the dog enter the kitchen from stage left. Some directors have trouble turning off their job and end up re-blocking Thanksgiving dinner. "Grandma, can you look more surprised when the turkey arrives?" Grandma will not look more surprised. Grandma has been to 70 Thanksgivings. Grandma is done.

629. How many takes is too many takes?

One more than the actor's patience. Usually 14. Some directors are famous for shooting scenes dozens or even over 100 times, until the actors are exhausted, confused and no longer sure what words are. One well-known scene reportedly took 127 takes. After take 60, an actor stops acting and starts living in the scene. After take 90, they forget their own name. After take 120, they have achieved enlightenment. Meanwhile, the crew eats lunch, the sun moves and the coffee cups (see question 626) remain empty. The director then picks take three. It was the best one all along.

630. Are background singers just singers in the wrong spot?

They're exactly where they want to be: famous enough to sing, not famous enough to be recognized at the grocery store. Backup singers are often brilliant musicians who sing on hundreds of hit songs that you know by heart without ever knowing their names. They get the fun parts, like "ooh" and "aah" and the big harmonies in the chorus, and none of the paparazzi. They also get to dance in a line, which is a perk. When the lead singer forgets the words, the backup singers carry the song. They're the safety net of music. The "ooh" is the most important part. Without it, songs just feel sad.

631. Can a movie be too long?

Yes. Any movie that requires a bathroom break and a snack resupply is now a camping trip. Some modern blockbusters are nearly three and a half hours long, and in the old days, long movies had an intermission so audiences could stretch and buy more popcorn (see question 619). Some movies have "extended editions" that are even longer, for fans who felt three hours was not enough. There's also an app that tells you the best moments in a movie to run to the washroom without missing anything important. That's real. People needed it. Movies have gotten so long that the audience needs a plan.

632. Do magicians know how their own tricks work?

Almost always. The rabbit knows too, but it signed an NDA. Magicians follow a strict code: never reveal how a trick is done, never perform the same trick twice for the same audience and never tell anyone that the rabbit has been in the hat the whole time. Some magicians have been kicked out of magic clubs for revealing secrets on TV. The rabbit, meanwhile, has been pulled out of hats for over a century and is exhausted. Doves get it worse; they're hidden up sleeves. Magicians practise for thousands of hours to make a trick look effortless. It's not magic. It's sweat. And rabbits.

633. Why does the music get scary right before something

scary?

The orchestra is warning you. They're the only ones in the movie who care. The characters are walking into a dark basement holding a flickering flashlight, and the violins are screaming "DON'T GO DOWN THERE!" Nobody in the movie listens. Composers use low rumbles, sudden silences and high screeching strings to make your heart race. If you watch a horror movie with the sound off, it becomes a slow, boring film about people walking down hallways. The music is doing all the work. Imagine if real life had a soundtrack. You'd hear spooky violins every time you opened your bank app (see question 362).

634. If I'm famous on the internet, am I famous in real life?

Only to people under 17 and one confused uncle. Internet fame is very strange. You can have three million followers and still have to wait in line at the DMV like everyone else. Teens will scream when they see you at the mall, while their parents stare and ask "who is that?" Some internet stars are famous for one video of them falling off a chair, and they'll be recognized as "chair person" forever. Internet fame also moves fast. Today's viral star is next week's "remember that guy?" The confused uncle, however, will remember you forever. He's your biggest fan.

635. Do clowns go to work in normal clothes and change?

Yes. There is a clown locker room. It's exactly as loud as you think. Horns honking, shoes squeaking, someone tripping over a unicycle and a pie fight that started as a joke and is now a serious feud. Professional clowns often attend clown school, learning juggling, pratfalls, balloon animals and how to fit into small cars. Some register their face designs in a special clown egg registry, where each clown's makeup is painted on a real egg so no two clowns look the same. That's real. There's a wall of clown eggs somewhere. It's either delightful or terrifying, depending on how you feel about clowns.

636. Is a comedy special just a comedian's tax return?

Pretty much. Every joke is a business expense. A comedian's year of misery becomes an hour of material: their divorce, their bad flight, their weird neighbour, their fight with a vending machine (see question 368). Comedians have a saying: "tragedy plus time equals comedy." That means everything bad that happens to a comedian is secretly good for their career. They'll get a flat tire and think "this could be five minutes." Their friends must be careful what they say, because it might end up on a stage in front of 2,000 strangers. Never date a comedian unless you want to become a punchline.

637. Why do award shows thank so many people?

They ran out of time to thank the geese. Brent is still waiting. Award speeches thank agents, managers, directors, parents, spouses, children, God, the academy, the caterers and someone named Steve. Then the orchestra starts playing loud music to drown them out, and the winner speeds up: "andmymomandmydogandSteveTHANKYOU." Some award shows have strict time limits; some winners ignore them completely and give speeches longer than their movie (see question 631). Brent has prepared a 45-minute acceptance speech in case he ever wins anything. It's mostly honking. It's very moving. Linda cries every time she hears it.

638. Can I skip to the good part of a play?

No. Theatre has no fast forward. That's why it has an intermission and a bar. If you yell "skip!" during a play, the actors will freeze, the audience will turn and stare and an usher will appear behind you with a tiny flashlight. Theatre is live: the actors are right there, sweating, singing and occasionally forgetting their lines. That's what makes it special. Shakespeare's plays can be over three hours long, and in his time, the audience stood the whole time, ate snacks, shouted at the actors and threw food if they didn't like it. Please don't do that now. They don't sell tomatoes at the concession stand.

639. Do puppets have feelings?

Only when someone's hand is in them. Otherwise they're asleep on a shelf, dreaming of applause. Puppeteers often say their puppets develop personalities of their own, and some puppeteers talk to their puppets backstage between shows. Some puppets have had careers lasting 50 years, outliving several puppeteers. The famous ones have their own dressing rooms, wardrobes and fan mail. Ventriloquist dummies, on the other hand, give everyone the creeps, and nobody knows why. Probably the eyes. The eyes follow you. Never leave a ventriloquist dummy facing your bed. That's not advice; it's survival.

640. Why are movie aliens always in America?

They land where the movies are made. It's the only place with good catering. In movies, aliens almost always invade New York, Los Angeles or Washington, D.C., blowing up famous landmarks so the audience knows where they are. They never land in a small town in Saskatchewan, which is a shame, because a farmer named Gord with a shovel would probably handle them fine. Aliens in movies also always speak English and have very dramatic spaceships. In real life, if aliens landed, they'd probably land in an empty field, ask for directions and get pointed to the nearest Tim Hortons (see question 426).

641. If I fall asleep during a movie, did I still see it?

You saw the trailer and the credits. Legally that's a review. You can now say "it was relaxing" and "the opening was strong." Falling asleep during a movie is extremely common, especially at home, on a couch, under a blanket, after dinner. Many people have "watched" the same movie a dozen times without ever seeing the middle. Dads are famous for this. They'll fall asleep in the first 10 minutes, wake up for the ending, and insist they "saw the whole thing." They'll even have opinions about it. Strong ones. About scenes they definitely missed. That's the magic of cinema (see question 398).

642. Are soap operas clean?

Very. Somehow everyone is still covered in drama. They're called soap operas because the first ones on radio were sponsored by soap companies, which were trying to sell detergent to people listening at home during the day. Soap operas are famous for evil twins, long-lost siblings, people coming back from the dead and characters with amnesia forgetting their own weddings. Some soaps have run for over 60 years, with the same characters going through 14 marriages each. A soap opera character can be kidnapped, cloned and crowned king of a small country, all before lunch. Still clean, though. Very well-scrubbed.

643. Do actors who play twins get paid twice?

They should. Their agents bring it up constantly. Playing both twins means filming every scene twice, once as each twin, and acting opposite a tennis ball on a stick that the other twin will later be digitally added to replace. That's acting with an imaginary friend who looks exactly like you. Some actors have played triplets, or even a whole family. It's exhausting. They have to remember who's the good twin and who's the evil one (see question 642). Real twins often get hired to play the same baby in movies, because babies can only work short hours. So some babies act before they can walk.

644. Why does every movie hacker type so fast?

If they typed at normal speed, the movie would be four hours long. Movie hackers mash keys like they're playing a drum solo, while green text scrolls down a black screen and someone says "I'm in." Real hacking is mostly reading, waiting, searching for typos, drinking coffee and Googling error messages. Some movies show two people typing on one keyboard at the same time to hack faster, which is not how keyboards work. Movie hackers also always need exactly 30 seconds to break into anything. The countdown clock agrees. In real life, the computer would ask for an update first.

645. Can a song be too catchy?

Yes. See question 620, and also see the song currently in your head. Some songs are so catchy they've been used as ringtones, stadium chants and, in a few infamous cases, as a way to annoy people into leaving an area. Catchy songs usually have simple, repetitive melodies, surprising rhythms and a chorus you can sing after hearing it once. Some of the catchiest songs in history are about sharks, ducks and the alphabet. Songwriters spend years trying to write something that catchy. Children write them in four seconds on the drive to school, and then sing them for 47 straight minutes.

646. Do people in musicals know they're singing?

They think they're talking normally. That's the tragedy of the musical. Nobody else in the musical finds it strange that a waiter suddenly bursts into song about his feelings while 40 strangers perform a perfectly synchronized dance in the street behind him. It's just a regular Tuesday. In real life, if you started singing about your problems at the grocery store and the cashiers joined in with choreography, someone would call for help. Then they'd join in. That's how musicals work. They're contagious. Everyone ends up in jazz hands eventually.

647. What happens to movie sets after filming?

They're stored, sold or destroyed. Some become tiny fake towns where nobody lives but raccoons. Movie sets are often just fronts: the house has a door and windows but nothing behind it, like a cardboard cutout of a building. Some famous sets are left standing and become tourist attractions, like a hobbit village in New Zealand, where visitors can see round doors in a hillside. Others end up in film studio backlots, repainted for different movies over decades. One street might be New York on Monday, Paris on Wednesday and a zombie town on Friday. The raccoons don't care. They've lived in every city in the world.

648. Is a stand-up comedian just someone who refuses to sit

down?

Yes. Sitting-down comedians are called therapists. Stand-up comedians stand because it gives them energy, lets them pace dramatically and makes it easier to escape if the crowd turns on them. Some comedians do sit on a stool, which is a compromise between standing and therapy. They tell stories about their lives, their families and their problems, and the audience laughs, which is cheaper than therapy for the comedian but more expensive for the audience. Lying-down comedians do exist. They're called people telling jokes at a sleepover, and they're the funniest of all, especially at 2 a.m.

649. If I narrate my life out loud, is it a documentary?

It's a documentary that makes everyone at the bus stop move away. "Here we see the human, in its natural habitat, waiting for the number 12 bus. It has been waiting for 15 minutes. It is losing hope (see question 404)." Narrating your life in a deep, calm, nature-show voice makes everything more dramatic: eating cereal becomes a feeding ritual, doing laundry becomes a migration and parallel parking becomes a thrilling hunt. Your family will love it for about four minutes. Then they'll ask you to stop. Narrate that too. "The human's family is growing restless."

650. Will this book be made into a movie?

The rights are available. Marjorie has asked to be played by herself. Brent wants to be played by a famous action star, but has been told it'll be a CGI goose. Linda has requested a romantic subplot. The crab has asked for a dramatic slow-motion scene walking sideways along a beach, which has been approved. Studios have expressed interest, mostly in the question about eating a cloud. The film is expected to run four hours, with an intermission (see question 638) and a post-credits scene in which Marjorie stamps the book overdue. It will win no awards. It will be quoted forever.