The Animal Kingdom Deserves Answers

Animals can't ask questions themselves, so humans have generously asked the dumb ones for them.

11. Do fish get thirsty?

Fish live in water, so thirst isn't really their problem. Their problem is that every meal, conversation, bath and bathroom break happens in the same room, forever. Fun fact: saltwater fish do actually drink seawater, which is the most fish thing a fish can do, and then they get rid of the extra salt through their gills, like tiny desalination plants with fins. Freshwater fish almost never drink at all, because water keeps soaking into them anyway. Imagine a life where you're always hydrated and always wet and nobody ever offers you a towel. That's fish life. They don't complain. They don't have the vocabulary.

12. If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

Cows don't laugh, because nothing is funny to a cow. They've stood in a field for years and watched the same cloud for six hours. They've seen a farmer slip in mud 400 times and didn't even blink. Comedians have toured dairy farms and come home shaken, mumbling "tough room" into their coffee. If a cow ever does laugh, scientists agree it would not be milk that comes out its nose but something much more alarming, like a small barn owl or a strongly worded letter. For safety, do not tell cows jokes about steak. They don't laugh, but they do remember, and they have very good aim.

13. Do geese have a manager?

Yes. Every goose is the manager, and that's the problem: ask any goose and it will tell you it's in charge and you are trespassing. Geese hold daily meetings by the pond, where all of them talk at once and nobody takes minutes. The flying V formation is actually an org chart, and the goose at the front is not the leader but simply the one who complained loudest about the seat. Panel member Brent would like to add that he is the manager of this book. He is not. He has no badge, no salary and no thumbs. He has, however, scheduled a performance review for Marjorie.

14. Can I pet the bee if I'm gentle about it?

The bee has asked us to tell you: no. The bee is at work, and you wouldn't pet an accountant during tax season. Gentleness isn't the issue. Consent is. The bee has 4,000 flowers to visit before lunch, a queen who expects results and a union that is very strict about touching. If you'd like to show the bee affection, plant some lavender and leave a polite note. Bees can't read, but they appreciate the gesture. And remember, if you pet the bee and it stings you, the bee loses its whole career over it, so it's not personal. It's just a very bad day at the office for both of you.

15. Does a centipede have a dominant foot?

Yes, foot number 37, and all the others are jealous. That's why centipedes move in a ripple. It's a long chain of feet trying to get in front of number 37. Foot 37 gets the good sock, the first step onto every leaf and a little gold star painted on its toenail. Feet 1 through 36 are bitter about it and feet 38 onward have formed a support group that meets Tuesdays. When a centipede trips, it's usually because two feet are arguing about seniority. Despite the name, most centipedes don't have exactly 100 legs, which is the oldest false advertising case in the garden.

16. Is my dog bilingual if he ignores me in two languages?

Your dog is fluent in at least three: English, French and Treat. He understands every word you say. He has simply chosen silence until snacks are involved. Watch closely: say "sit" and nothing happens, say "cheese" in a whisper from four rooms away and he appears beside you like a furry ghost. That's not obedience, that's selective translation. Some dogs also speak Doorbell, a language consisting of one word screamed at full volume, and Vacuum, which is mostly swearing. Experts believe dogs could learn Latin if the Romans had put more bacon in their sentences.

17. Do pigeons know they live in a city?

Pigeons believe the city was built for them. They think statues are bathrooms, benches are restaurants and people are crumb dispensers that occasionally yell. They have mapped every bakery dumpster within a 5-kilometre radius and can tell you which bus route drops the most fries. Some pigeons ride the subway on purpose and get off at the right stop, which is more than most tourists manage. Honestly, it's hard to say they're wrong. They pay no rent, they've never had a job interview and they still get fed daily. The city is theirs. We're just the staff.

18. How do I apologize to a crab?

Approach sideways, so it knows you speak its language. Bow slightly, lower your voice and offer it something small and shiny, like a bottle cap or a compliment about its claws. Do not mention butter, lemon or the phrase "all-you-can-eat." Crabs hold grudges for up to 30 years and they write everything down in sand, which is why the beach is always changing: it's their diary. If the crab clicks once, you're forgiven; if it clicks twice, you owe it a seashell. Then leave, slowly, also sideways, because the crab will never fully forgive you, and you need to respect that.

19. Do raccoons have a dress code?

Yes: black mask, striped tail, tiny hands, no shoes. It's strictly enforced. Any raccoon caught without its mask is assumed to be a regular cat, the worst insult in raccoon society. Formal events, like the annual Garbage Gala held behind every pizza place in North America, require the tail to be freshly fluffed and the hands to be washed in a puddle first, which is why raccoons wash their food. It's not hygiene; it's etiquette. Raccoons who arrive in a cardboard box worn as a hat are considered fashionable this season. Sweatpants are not allowed. That's a possum thing.

20. How many ducks is a horse?

Roughly 400 ducks by weight, depending on how fluffy the ducks are. By attitude, one horse is about three ducks. By honking, one horse is zero ducks, because the horse refuses to participate. By speed, one horse is about 25 ducks running in a line, though ducks don't like to run and will stop to sit in any puddle along the way. By swimming ability, one duck is worth about six horses. The panel attempted to settle this question with a live experiment in 2019, but the ducks unionized and the horse just ate the clipboard. The official answer remains "a lot of ducks."