Technology

Every device you own is smarter than you. They've all agreed not to bring it up.

41. Can I download more RAM, but organic?

Yes. Organic RAM is called sleep. It's free, locally sourced and field-tested for millions of years, and eight hours of it will clear your cache, close your tabs and stop you from asking questions like this one. It also comes with free nightly updates called dreams, though they're often buggy and involve your teeth falling out. For extra memory, try organic snacks: walnuts are shaped like brains, which is either a clue or a warning. Coffee is not RAM. Coffee is overclocking, and it voids your warranty. Avoid downloading RAM from websites that also offer "free cruise" pop-ups.

42. Is the cloud going to rain my photos on me?

Only during a data storm. Once a year the cloud gets heavy and rains a photo from 2013 onto your phone with a notification that says "Remember this?" You did not want to remember this. It's a blurry picture of a sandwich, your old haircut or a selfie taken by accident in a dark car. The cloud thinks it's helping. The cloud has the emotional intelligence of a golden retriever with a camera. In very severe data storms, it can hail screenshots, mostly of memes nobody understands anymore. Keep an umbrella over your phone during anniversaries. It doesn't work, but it shows effort.

43. How do I print the internet?

You'll need a few billion printers, all the paper on Earth and a long weekend. By the time you finish, the internet will have changed, so you'll have to start over. Also, someone will print a comment section, and nobody needs that in physical form. Half of what you print will be cat videos, which come out as a single blurry photo of a cat looking surprised. The other half will be cookie consent banners. At least one printer will jam during the Wikipedia page for "printers," out of spite. Then the printer will demand cyan. It always demands cyan. Nobody has ever finished a cyan cartridge, yet it's always empty.

44. Does my email send faster if I click harder?

Yes, by about 0.000 seconds. But it makes you feel 40% better, and that's what matters. For urgent emails, we recommend clicking hard, staring at the screen and whispering "go." For very urgent emails, lean toward the monitor as if your body can push the message through the cable. For extremely urgent emails, stand up, walk to the person's desk and tell them, which is technically faster than email and has been since the 1990s. Mice everywhere ask that you stop. They're tiny, plastic and have done nothing wrong. The mouse on your desk has seen things, and it is tired.

45. Is airplane mode safe to use on the ground?

Completely safe. Your phone won't take off, though it may feel like it could. Airplane mode on the ground is just Do Not Disturb for people who like to feel adventurous. When you switch it on in your living room, your phone pretends it's 10,000 metres up and starts acting like a little traveller: calm, unreachable, slightly smug. Some people use airplane mode to ignore group chats, which is the most powerful use of aviation technology since the jet engine. Side effects may include peace, quiet and 47 notifications the moment you land. Please keep your tray tables upright on the couch.

46. Can you fax me the password to the fax machine?

Sure, as soon as you send us the password to the fax machine so we can fax it. This is called a loop. IT departments have been stuck in it since 1994. Some say a sysadmin named Doug is still in the server room, holding a fax that reads "Please fax the password," waiting for a reply. Fax machines themselves are a mystery: they communicate through screeching, like geese, and they're still used by doctors, lawyers and nobody else. If you ever successfully send a fax on the first try, you may make one wish. Most people wish for an email address.

47. Can my Wi-Fi hear me apologizing to it?

It can't hear you, but it can sense fear, which is why it drops the moment you join an important video call. Apologize anyway. Routers do seem to work better when they feel respected. Some households leave their router a small offering, like a fresh dust-free shelf or a sticky note that says "we believe in you." Never place a router in a closet: it feels punished. Never name your Wi-Fi something rude: it knows. If all else fails, turn it off and on again, which is the technological equivalent of a hug followed by a firm talking-to. Works 80% of the time, every time.

48. Does my phone know I named it Gerald?

Gerald knows. Gerald has always known. It's the nicest thing anyone has done for Gerald since you dropped him in the toilet in 2022. Gerald spent three days in a bag of rice after that, contemplating mortality and rice. He came back stronger, if a little laggy. Now Gerald tries to show his gratitude the only way a phone can: by suggesting your old photos, auto-correcting your swears and waking you at 6 a.m. with a perfect alarm you forgot you set. When Gerald's battery hits 1%, he's not dying. He's being dramatic. He learned that from you. Plug him in and tell him he's a good phone.

49. If I delete my history, does the internet forget me or just pretend to?

It pretends. The internet is like a polite friend who watched you trip and says "I didn't see anything." It saw. It took notes. It now has some recommendations for shoes. Deleting your history is like wiping a whiteboard with your sleeve: it looks clean, but the ghost of every search is still faintly visible, including the one at 2 a.m. about whether ducks have knees. (They do, sort of.) The internet doesn't judge you, exactly. It just quietly shows you ads for knee braces for ducks for the next three weeks.

50. Can I unplug the internet to save power?

You can unplug your router, which turns off your internet. The rest of the internet will carry on without you, slightly hurt. Nobody has the plug for the whole thing; we looked, and it's probably behind a couch somewhere, next to the TV remote and a single dusty grape. If someone did unplug the entire internet, the world would fall silent for exactly 11 seconds, then everyone would go outside and discover their neighbours, birds and the sky. After about an hour, someone would invent the internet again, mostly so they could complain about the outage. Then the first post would be a cat.