The partner's guide to labour and birth
This chapter is for the person who will be beside the birthing parent: a partner, friend, relative or doula. You cannot do the labour for them, and you are not expected to know what the midwife knows. Your job is simpler and just as important: to stay, to notice, to comfort and to speak up when needed. Continuous support from one familiar person is one of the best-proven ways to make labour shorter and the experience more positive.
Your role at each stage
Early labour can last many hours. Keep things calm and ordinary. Encourage rest between contractions, light food and sips of drink, a warm shower, a walk, a film. Start timing contractions when they become regular, from the start of one to the start of the next, and note how long each lasts. An app or a notebook works. Rest yourself while you can: this is the time to nap and eat.
Active labour needs more of you. Contractions are strong and close together, and the birthing parent will turn inward. Stay close, offer drinks after each contraction, remind them to pee every hour or two, and help them change position. Follow their lead: someone who wanted massage an hour ago may now not want to be touched at all. That is not about you. Transition is the short, intense stretch before pushing. They may shake, vomit, feel hot then cold, or say "I can't do this." This often means the birth is close. Stay steady, keep your voice low, and help them through one contraction at a time.
Pushing may be quick or take a few hours. Help with positions, hold a leg if asked, offer water and a cool cloth, and tell them what you see if they want to know. The midwife may ask for gentle, slow pushing as the head crowns: help by breathing with them.
What helps
Physical comfort
Firm pressure on the lower back or the sacrum (the flat bone at the base of the spine) during contractions, especially if labour is felt in the back. A double hip squeeze: with your hands on each side of the hips, press inward and slightly up during a contraction.
Light stroking, holding hands, or counter-pressure, whichever is wanted. Cool cloths on the face and neck, a warm pack on the lower back, lip balm, a fan.
Being a steady body to lean on, standing or kneeling.
"Coping with pain without medicine" describes these and other comfort measures in detail.
Words that help and words that don't
Short, calm, specific words work best.
- Words that help Words that don't
- "You're doing it." "Calm down."
- "Just this one. Then rest." "It can't be that bad."
"Breathe with me. Slow and low." "Are you sure you want an epidural?" "Let your shoulders drop." "How much longer, do you think?"
- "Every contraction brings the baby
- closer."
- Talking about how tired or hungry you
- are
"I'm right here." Jokes or chatting during a contraction Silence is fine too. Sometimes the most helpful thing is to stay quiet between contractions and let them rest.
Protecting the environment
Labour goes best when the birthing parent feels safe and unobserved. Dim the lights, keep the room warm, close the door, play their music, and keep noise and visitors to a minimum. Hold questions from staff until a contraction ends. Keep your phone away unless you are timing or calling.
Food and drink
Offer sips of water, juice or a sports drink after every contraction or two, with a bendy straw. In early labour, light food like toast, crackers, bananas or soup helps. Follow the team's advice once in hospital.
Being an advocate, not a gatekeeper
You know the birth plan and you know the person. Your role is to help them be heard, not to speak over them or make decisions for them.
Ask the questions they would want asked: "What are the benefits and risks? Are there other options? What happens if we wait a while?" (Some people remember these with the word BRAIN: benefits, risks, alternatives, intuition, nothing.)
Ask for time to talk privately when there is no emergency.
Remind staff of preferences when the birthing parent cannot: "They wanted to try the pool first."
Respect changes of mind. A plan for no medicine can become a request for an epidural, and that is their call. Do not hold them to a plan they no longer want, and do not refuse help on their behalf.
In a true emergency, decisions may be fast. Let the team work, and ask for an explanation afterwards.
Practical jobs
The bag. Know where it is and what is in it: documents, phone chargers, snacks for both of you, a change of clothes for yourself, a toothbrush, a baby car seat.
The car. Keep fuel in the tank, know the route and parking, and install the car seat well before the due date.
Calls. Be the one who calls the hospital or midwife, and who updates family later, when the birthing parent is ready. Agree beforehand who hears the news first.
Older children and pets. Have a plan, and a backup plan, for who will look after them.
Photos. Ask in advance what they want photographed and what they don't. Many hospitals have rules about photos during the birth itself.
What you will see, and how to cope
Birth can be intense to watch. Knowing what is normal helps.
Blood and fluid. There is usually some blood, waters that can gush, and sometimes stool during pushing. All are normal and staff deal with them without fuss.
Sounds. Groaning, moaning, roaring or crying out are normal ways to work through pain. They do not usually mean something is wrong.
The baby's colour at birth. Many newborns look blue, purple or grey at first, wet and covered in white, waxy vernix, sometimes with streaks of blood. Their colour pinks up over the first minutes as they breathe. The head may be long or cone-shaped from moulding; this settles in days. The placenta and stitches. You can look or not. It is fine to stay by the head end.
If you feel faint, sit down straight away with your head low, and tell someone. Eat and drink regularly so your blood sugar stays steady. Fainting partners are common, and staff would much rather you sit.
If things change fast
Sometimes the room fills with people, an alarm sounds, or the bed is moved quickly. This may be for a drop in the baby's heart rate, heavy bleeding, or a decision for an urgent caesarean. Stay out of the way but stay close to the head of the bed if you can. Keep talking to the birthing parent: "I'm here. They're helping." If you are asked to leave or wait outside, go, and ask someone to come and tell you what is happening as soon as they can. Afterwards, ask for the story to be explained to both of you. Fast-moving births can be frightening for partners too (see "When birth doesn't go as hoped").
At a caesarean
You will usually change into scrubs and wait outside for a few minutes while the anesthetic goes in, then sit by the birthing parent's head. Talk to them, hold their hand, and describe what is happening if they want. You may be able to watch the baby being lifted out, and to hold your baby or do skin-to-skin if the birthing parent cannot. If the birth is under general anesthetic, you will usually wait outside, and you may be able to hold your baby skin to skin until the birthing parent wakes. "Caesarean birth" has the full step-by-step.
Cutting the cord
You may be offered the chance to cut the cord after it has been clamped, often after a delay of at least a minute. It feels a little tough, like cutting gristle, and does not hurt anyone. It is completely optional.
Skin-to-skin yourself
If the birthing parent needs stitches, is unwell, or has had a caesarean, you can hold your baby skin to skin on your own bare chest. Wear a shirt that opens at the front. It warms and calms your baby, and it is a wonderful start for you too.
Looking after yourself
You are no use exhausted and hungry. Eat real food in early labour, carry snacks, and drink water. In a long labour, take turns with another support person or a doula so each of you can sleep for an hour. Step out for fresh air when things are calm, telling the birthing parent and staff first. It is not selfish: it is how you last.
After the birth
In the first hours, help with the first feed, fetch food and drinks, and keep visitors away until you are both ready. Learn the call button, the bathroom routine and where pads and diapers are kept. Help the birthing parent to the bathroom the first few times, since they may feel faint. Take note of what the staff tell you about medicines and checks, because the birthing parent may be too tired to remember.
Many partners feel elated, shaky, tearful or numb, or all of these in one hour. That is normal. If you have been through a frightening birth, talk about it, and look after your own sleep and food in the days ahead. You have just helped a person into the world.
In short
Your main job is to stay, comfort and help the birthing parent be heard. Follow their lead on touch and words: short, calm and specific works best.
Keep the room dim, warm and quiet, and offer drinks after every contraction or two.
Be an advocate, not a gatekeeper: ask questions, respect changes of mind. Know what you will see, sit down if you feel faint, and eat and rest in turns.